The famous “blues” can be just defined as simple sadness. It is in fact kind of difficult to explain to someone who does not understand how depression feels like because it has always been dubbed as “just being sad.” But what happens when you are ALWAYS sad? Is there even a different kind of ground?
That is what I have been asking myself lately. I don’t want to lie and say I have been clinically diagnosed with depression so I’ll go ahead and admit I have been self-diagnosed. By myself. Just in case it wasn’t clear. Many people think you should not go around self-diagnosing because obviously I am not a professional. However I am sure I know myself enough to know that there is something wrong. It has been for years now.
I look at other people and how they think and behave and I definitely know there is something horribly off. This is not just a case of being “different” or “quirky.” If that was the case then I would not feel like crying for no reason in the middle of class. I would most definitely not zone out during important things about 80% of the time and I would not come home after a day of just going to two classes feeling emotionally drained.
To explain this better I will talk about my day:
Today is what I like to describe as The Worst Kind of Day a.k.a. “Depression day.” I want to stress once again the fact that I am not clinically diagnosed, so lets just call it like that.
My bad days can be cramped into 10 phases without any specific order
Downer
Excitement
Pessimism
Regret
Excitement again
Sadness
Self-pity
Imagination
Optimism
Nap
So these worst kind of days usually start of with me super annoyed for something. It could be anything, my family being loud as hell, not having enough sleep, the fact that people die every day… literally anything. After being annoyed for about 2 hours and finding willpower to get out of bed I officially wake up and try to change my mindset. I usually think “come on! This day can’t be that bad! Life isn’t that bad!” which I know is a categorical lie, but it’s a white lie I tell myself. You could think of this as a small optimistic phase.
Next I go about doing mundane things; that is showering, eating breakfast, attempting to exchange two sentences with my grandma to improve my social skills, etc.
After going through what I call a tranquil yet sad morning I went to the bus stop after an awkward smalltalkery car ride with grandpa. That was when the downer came around. I was waiting in line to refill my bus card when this guy let me pass in front of him. The man at the counter did the honorable thing and questioned whether I took the other guy’s turn. The guy cleared me up and we went ahead with life. That’s not bad right? WRONG. I was so offended. How come this man would think I could do such thing? It was an irrational kind of offense but that really threw me off, and it was only 10am.
I got on the bus, trying to forget about that small incident because after all I knew a normal person would not get angry over that. I sat and hoped for my bus friend to arrive. My bus friend is a girl from my English class that takes the same bus as I, so at this time I was excited. We talk a lot and she helps me with dealing with the fact that my social life is obsolete over here. She doesn’t know that, but the simple fact of our 40 minute long conversations being a thing really cheers me up. It’s crazy, but people can have huge impacts on other people’s lives by just being people.
My bus friend never arrived this morning. I assumed she was either absent, late, or she took an earlier bus. I made the best out of the situation because after all my real personality is not a pessimistic depressive asshole. By now I was being optimistic again. I like turning things around. So the bright side of this is that I love me-time. That consists of me looking out the bus window listening to music, visualizing and imagining tv show montages in which I am involved.
After a long bus ride I tried boosting my social skills once again by thanking the bus driver (also because it is the polite thing to do) and I kept visualizing my tv show montage with my iPhone music as I walked to school.
Walking through the college front doors is a difficult task for me. I feel judged, self-conscious, and just about everything bad emotion about walking into a new place. That’s when the pessimism comes in and I start thinking about how bad things are going. That’s usually the longest pessimistic elevator ride.
I then found my bus friend siting on the lounge and I was excited once again. We talked and I felt sorta happy.
Then it all went down again when we went to class. English class just really brings me down. That’s when I doubt myself a lot. I’m distracted because I don’t get 60% of the things people say. I wonder if I just don’t get it when Americans talk or if it’s just a side-effect of my sadness. I was extra confused today because the professor has this specific way of communicating with certain students. During that class I feel like we are in a movie, which should be a good thing, right? Except I am an extra, not a main character. From that class until the next I was just sad.
I went to my speech class and that’s when I felt extra sad. I wanted to cry for no reason while the professor was talking about speaking tips, something that I’m really interested in but couldn’t get myself to focus on. That’s also when Mr. Self-pity came in the picture because for no reason I was thinking about poor me, not having friends and social life. I was so confused about why was I thinking about that at that particular moment.
After a while, our teacher let us do some impromptu speeches THANK GOD. I felt if I didn’t communicate in any way I would die. After my speech I felt so good. I had people’s attention for about 2 minutes and got great feedback. You could say I was excited for a third time of the day which doesn’t often happen.
I left the class on a sorta good note. On my way to the bus imagination kicked in again as I continued with the mental tv montage. These were the few good parts of my day actually. I met with my bus friend again and I marshaled some energy in order to have a decent conversation with her about everything. The driver was a really nice bus driver that I used to talk to in a lot of mornings last year. I hadn’t seen him in months so getting to talk to him again was super nice. The best part was that he remembered me. I feel like I’m a very forgettable person, but this nice bus driver remembered our short conversations. I love people like that.
After we got to the bus stop my bus friend, the bus driver and I got to talk more. It was such a nice moment. They didn’t make me feel left out. I was miserably happy. They laughed at my jokes and didn’t dismiss my comments like most people. They deserve nice things!
Last but not least I went home and napped in order to forget the bad parts and regain energy. I also nap so that I don’t start thinking about all of the things I regret doing or not doing. That helps a lot.
Then I decided to write this long-ass post as a way to relieve repressed feelings. In fact I did not expect this to be so long, but what do you get when you write about repressed feeling? A long-ass post! I feel happy that I decided to do this.
Most of the times whenever I have a bad experience I just black out. The Blind Side-style. You know that movie with Sandra Bullock where she adopts a black football player? From that movie I learned how to forget bad experiences. That advise can really go both ways because you end up having all of these repressed memories guarded in a mental vault. On the other hand you get instant relief. It’s good to express those memories though, which is what I am trying to do right now.
Anyways, the sun will come out tomorrow. Hopefully I will get over this obscure stage of life. I don’t feel like I will, but that’s just part of the process. After all I’m an optimist, remember?
magentaphilosophy 